Rugby Songs

I must warn you there is some swearing and sexual references in the following.

Why Was He Born So Beautiful?

Why was he born so beautiful?

Why was he born at all?

He’s no fucking use to anyone.

He’s no fucking use at all.

He may be a joy to his mother

But he’s a pain in the asshole to me.

So drink mother fucker,

Drink mother fucker

Drink mother fucker, Drink!

Drink mother fucker

Drink mother fucker, Drink!

Why are we waiting?

We could be masturbating.

Oh, why are we waiting?

Oh why, why, why?

He ought to be thoroughly pissed on,

He ought to be publicly shot,

He ought to be tied to a urinal,

And left there to fester and rot.

 

Swing Low Sweet Chariot

Swing low, sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home

Swing low, sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home x 2

I looked over Jordan, what did I see

Coming for to carry me home

A band of angels coming after me

Coming for to carry me home

Swing low, sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home

Swing low, sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home

If you get there before i do

Coming for to carry me home

Tell all my friends I’m coming too

Coming for to carry me home

Swing low, sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home

Swing low, sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home

 

The Engineer’s Song

An engineer told me before he died

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

And I’ve no reason to believe he lied

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

He had a wife with a cunt so wide

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

That she could not be satisfied

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

So he built a prick of steel

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

Two brass balls and a bloody great wheel

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

Then he filled those balls with cream

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

The whole damn thing was powered by steam

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum

He tied her to the leg of the bed,

Tied her hands above her head.

There she lay demanding a fuck,

He shook her hand and wished her luck.

Round and round went the bloody great wheel

In and out went the prick of steel

Up and up went the level of steam

Down and down went the level of cream

Then at last the maiden cried

“Enough, Enough, I’m satisfied”

Now we come to the tragic bit

There was no way of stopping it

It split her up from ass to tit

And the whole damn thing was covered in shit

It jumped off her, it jumped on him,

And then it buggered their next of kin.

It jumped on an uptown bus,

And the mess it made caused quite a fuss.

The last time that the prick was seen

It was over in England fucking the Queen.

There is a moral to the story I tell,

If you see it coming better run like hell.

Nine months later a child was born,

With two brass balls and a bloody great horn.

The moral of this story is mighty clear.

Never fuck an engineer.

 

If I Were The Marrying Kind

If I were the marrying kind,

Which thank the Lord I’m not, sir,

The kind of man that I would be

Would be a rugby

Prop, Sir

Prop, Sir?

I’d support a hooker, she’d support a hooker

We’d all support hookers together.

We’d be all right in the middle of the night,

Supporting hookers together.

chorus

Prop #2: I’d bind tight…

Hooker: I’d strike hard…

Hooker #2: I’d throw it in…

Lock: I’d sniff butt

Lock #2: I’d push hard…

Number 8: I’d split cheeks

Flanker: I’d hold it in

Scrum Half: I’d put it in…

Stand-off: I’d whip it out…

Stand-off #2: I’d pass it on…

Centre: I’d put it out…

Winger: I’d get none…

Winger #2 I’d go hard…

Fullback: I’d find touch…

Fullback #2: I’d kick balls…

Referee: I’d fuck it up…

Referee #2: I’d blow hard…

Groundskeeper: I’d trim bush

Groundskeeper #2: I’d do lines

Groundskeeper #3: I’d fill holes…

Groundskeeper #4: I’d sow seeds…

Goal Post: I’d stand erect

Touch Line: I’d get laid…

Referee’s Whistle: I’d get blown

Water Bottle: I’d get sucked

Rugby Boot: I’d get smelly

Rugby Boot #2: I’d come in boxes

Studs: I’d get screwed

Ball: I’d get pumped

Wet Weather Spectator: I’d get wet

Wet Weather Spectator #2: I’d come in rubbers

Fair Weather Spectator: I’d come again

Away Team Spectator: I’d eat out…

Rugby Partier: I’d keep it up…

Halftime orange: I’d get sucked

 

 

 

Wild Rover

I’ve played the wild rover for many a year

And I spent all my money on whiskey and beer,

And now I’m returning with gold in great store

And I never will play the wild rover no more.

And it’s no, nay, never,

No nay never no more,

Will I play the wild rover

No never no more.

I went into an ale house I used to frequent

And I told the landlady my money was spent.

I asked her for credit, she answered me “nay

Such custom as yours I could have any day.”

chorus

And then from my pocket I took ten sovereigns bright

And the landlady’s eyes opened wide with delight.

She said “I have whiskey and wines of the best

Sure the words that I spoke, they were only in jest.

chorus

I went to my parents, confessed what I’d done

And I asked them to pardon their prodigal son.

They kissed me, caressed me, as oft times before

And never will I play the wild rover no more.

chorus

 

Barrett’s Privateers

Oh the year was seventeen seventy eight

How wish I was in Sherbrooke now!

A letter of marque came from the King

To the scummiest vessel I’ve ever seen

God Damn them all! I was told

We’d cruise the seas for American gold

We’d fire no guns, shed no tears

Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier

The last of Barrett’s privateers.

Oh Elcid Barrett cried the town,

How wish I was in Sherbrooke now!

For twenty brave men, all fishermen, who

Would make for him the Antelope’s crew,

chorus

The Antelope sloop was a sickening sight.

She’d a list to port and her sails in rags,

And a cook in the scuppers with staggers and jags.

On the King’s birthday we put to sea.

We were ninety-one days to Montego bay,

Pumping like madmen all the way.

On the ninety-sixth day we sailed again.

When a bloody great Yankee hove in sight

With our cracked four-pounders we made to fight.

The Yankee lay low down with gold.

She was broad and fat and loose in stays,

But to catch her took the Antelope two whole days.

At length we lay two cables away.

Our cracked four-pounders made an awful din,

But with one fat ball the Yank stove us in.

The Antelope shook and pitched on her side.

Barrett was smashed like a bowl of eggs,

And the maintruck carried off both me legs.

So here I lay in my twenty-third year.

It’s been six years since we sailed away,

And I just made Halifax yesterday.

 

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.

Some things in life are bad,

They can really make you mad.

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you’re chewing on life’s gristle,

Don’t grumble, give a whistle!

And this’ll help things turn out for the best

And always look on the bright side of life!

(whistle)

Always look on the bright side of life

If life seems jolly rotten,

There’s something you’ve forgotten!

And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing,

When you’re feeling in the dumps,

Don’t be silly chumps,

Just purse your lips and whistle — that’s the thing!

chorus

For life is quite absurd,

And death’s the final word.

You must always face the curtain with a bow!

Forget about your sin — give the audience a grin,

Enjoy it — it’s the last chance anyhow!

So always look on the bright side of death!

Just before you draw your terminal breath.

Life’s a piece of shit,

When you look at it.

Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true,

You’ll see it’s all a show,

Keep ‘em laughing as you go.

Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

And always look on the bright side of life

(whistle)

Always look on the bright side of life

(whistle)

 

Black Velvet Band

In a neat little town they call Belfast

Apprenticed in trade I was bound

And many an hour of sweet happiness

I spent in that neat little town

Till bad misfortune befell me

And caused me to stray from the land

Far away from my friends and relations

To follow the black velvet band

Her eyes they shone like diamonds

You’d think she was queen of the land (and she was)

And her hair. it hung over her shoulder

Tied up in a black velvet band

Well, I was out strolling one evening

Not meaning to go very far

When I met with a pretty young damsel

She was selling her trade in a bar

A watch, she took from a customer

And slipped it right into my hand

Then the law, they came and arrested me

Bad luck to her black velvet band

chorus

Before judge and jury next morning

For trial I had to appear

Then the judge, he said, “Me young fellow,

The case against you is quite clear

For seven years is your sentence

You’re going to Van Dieman’s Land

Far away from your friends and relations

To follow the black velvet band”

So come all you jolly young fellows

I’d have you take warning by me

And whenever you’re out on the liquor, me lads

Beware of the pretty colleens

For they’ll fill you with whiskey and porter

‘Til you’re not able to stand

And the very next thing that you know, me lads

You’re landed in Van Dieman’s Land

 

Cigarettes, Whiskey And Wild Wild Women

Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women

They’ll drive you crazy, they’ll drive you insane;

Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women

They’ll drive you crazy, they’ll drive you insane;

Once I was happy and had a good wife

I had enough money to last me for life

Then I met with a gal and we went on a spree

She taught me smokin’ and drinkin’ whiskey

chorus

Cigarettes are a blight on the whole human race

A man is a monkey with one in his face;

Take warning dear friend, take warning dear brother

A fire’s on one end, a fools on the t’other.

And now good people, I’m broken with faith

The lines on my face make a well written page

I’m weavin’ this story — how sadly but true

On women and whiskey and what they can do

Wild the cross at the head of my grave

For women and whiskey here lies a poor slave.

Take warnin’ poor stranger, take warnin’ dear friend

In wide clear letters this tale of my end.

 

Home For a Rest

You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not at my best

I’ve been gone for a month, I’ve been drunk since I left

These so-called vacations will soon be my death

I’m so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest…

We arrived in December and London was cold

So we stayed in the bars along Charing Cross Road

We never saw nothin’ but brass taps and oak

Kept a shine on the bar with the sleeves of our coats

chorus

Euston Station the train journey north

In the buffet car we lurched back and forth

Past odd crooked dikes, through Yorkshire’s green fields

We were flung into dance as the train jigged and reeled

chorus

Take me home…

By the light of the moon she’d drift through the streets

A rare old perfume so seductive and sweet

She’d tease us and flirt as the pubs all closed down

Then walk us on home and deny us a round

The gas heater’s empty, it’s damp as a tomb

And the spirits we drank are now ghosts in the room

I’m knackered again, come on sleep take me soon

And don’t lift up my head ’til the twelve bells of noon

chorus

Take me home…

 

Clean Song

There was a young sailor who

Looked through the glass,

He spied a young mermaid with scales on her

Frightfully clean island where sea gulls fly over their nests

As she combed the long hair that hung over her

Shoulders and caused her to tickle and itch,

Yelled a sailor, “Well I’ll be a son of a

Beautiful mermaid out there on the rocks

And the crew came-a-running, their hands on their

Caps while they crowded four deep on the rail

All eager to share in this fine piece of

Talk which the Captain soon heard from the watch

So he tied down the wheel and unbuttoned his

Crackers and cheese which he kept near the door

In hopes he might come on a sea-going

Happy, he knew he must use all his wits

So he called for a line to make fast to her

Tail, saying, Boys, we are finally going to find,

“Whether mermaids do better before or

“Be brave. my good fellows,” the Captain next said

“And with lick we’ll break through her maiden

Heading to starboard, they tacked with dispatch

And caught that fair mermaid right on the

Side and immediately hustled her down below decks

Where each had a crack at this wonder of

Setting her free after each had a pass

They tossed her back in with a splash on her

After a while they all noticed some scabs

And soon they broke out with the pox and the

Cursing and scratching, you know what I mean

This song may be dull, but it’s frightfully clean.

 

Buy Us a Drink

Buy us a drink

And we’ll sing you a song

Of the chances you missed,

And the love that went wrong.

If you can’t buy whiskey,

Stand us a pint,

And we’ll lug’er straight down,

And we’ll sing half the night.

Lug’er down,

Lug’er down.

As long as there’s light in the day,

For you’ll get no more sup, when you’re number is up,

And they lay you to rot in the grave.

There’s girls in the parlours,

There’s girls in the bars.

They paint on the smiles, so you don’t see the scars.

They get lots of offers,

But not much respect

For raising three kids on a government cheque.

chorus

 

Beer Prayer

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink

Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk,

At home as it is in the pub,

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not into incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer, The Bitter, The Lager.

Barmen

 

We Have a Reputation

We have a reputation,

For seducing little boys,

For raping old age pensioners,

And for stealing babies toys.

We’re the vermin of the universe,

We’re the cunts you’ll never see,

We’re the dirty sons of bastards,

We’re Penguins RFC!

Hoo-ah!

 

Father Abraham

Father Abraham, had seven sons sir,

Seven sons had Father Abraham.

And they never laughed, and they never cried,

All they did was go like this

With the right! (arm)

chorus

and the left! (arm)

and the right! (leg)

and the left! (leg)

and a “hooah!” (thrust)

and shirts off!

and pants off!

and let’s get naked!

As the song continues, all actions are done throughout.

 

The Old Department Store

A live recording of this song being sung by fellows from Letchworth Rugby Club

 

I Used To Work In Chicago,

In An Old Department Store,

I Used To Work In Chicago,

I Don’t Work There Any More.

A Woman Came In For Some Meat,

Some Meat From The Store,

Some Meat She Wanted,

Porked She Got

I Don’t Work There Any More

Glazed Doughnut She Wanted. Cream Filled She Got

Brass Taps She Wanted, Golden Shower She Got

Beefeater Gin She Wanted, Eat Her I Did

Quick Service She Wanted, Quickly Serviced She Got

Ground Coffee She Wanted, Grind Her I Did

Jumper She Wanted, Jump Her I Did

Liquor She Wanted, Lick Her I Did

Elevator She Wanted, My Shaft She Got

Carpet She Wanted, Deep Shag She Got

Hammer She Wanted, Nailed She Got

Gun She Wanted, Banged She Got

Watering Can She Wanted, Hosed She Got

Floppy Disk She Wanted, Hard Drive She Got

Velvet She Wanted, Felt She Got

Liquor She Wanted, Lick Her I Did

Bolts She Wanted, My Nuts She Got

Sailors She Wanted, Semen She Got

Ham She Wanted, Porked She Got

Cigarette She Wanted, My Pipe She Got

Pipe She Wanted, Hosed She Got

Plumber She Wanted, Pipes Cleaned She Got

Butter She Wante, Spread She Got

Seafood She Wanted, Crabs She Got

Carpet She Wanted, Shag She Got

Nail She Wanted, Screw She Got

Fishing Rod She Wanted, My Pole She Got

Helicopter She Wanted, My Chopper She Got

Translator She Wanted, Cunning Linguist She Got

Kitkat She Wanted, Four Fingers She Got

Irish Airlilne Ticket From The Store, Air Lingus She Wanted, Cunnilingus She Got

A Hand She Wanted, Fisted She Got

Diamond Choker She Wanted, Pearl Necklace She Got

Lobster Thermidor She Wanted, Creamed Clam She Got

German Method Of Coal Extraction She Wanted, Mine Shaft She Got

Duck She Wanted, I Misunderstood

Open Cast Coal Mine She Wanted, Deep Shaft She Got

A Ruler She Wanted, 12 Inches She Got

Some Lettuce She Wanted, Head She Got!

An O Henry She Wanted, Mr. Big She Got!

A Big Mac She Wanted, A Whopper She Got

A Screen Door She Wanted, Slammed She Got!

Some Fireworks She Wanted, Banged She Got!

A Big Mac She Wanted, Super-Sized She Got!

Some Pringles She Wanted, The Pop She Got!

Some Tile She Wanted, Laid She Got!

A Vacuum She Wanted, Sucked She Got!

Some Dinner She Wanted, Ate Out She Got!

A Lollipop She Wanted, Licked She Got!

Some Shakespeare She Wanted, Dickens She Got!

Piano She Wanted, My Organ She Got

Chips She Wanted, Lays She Got

Racoon She Wanted, My Beaver She Got

Carpet She Wanted, Rugburn She Got

Muscle Car She Wanted, My Hot Rod She Got

Pickle She Wanted, My Cucumber She Got

A Hat She Wanted, My Helmet She Got.

A Damp Cat She Wanted, Wet Pussy She Got.

Chair Leg She Wanted, Table Ends She Got.

Turkey She Wanted, Gobbles She Got.

Barbecue She Wanted, Spit Roast She Got

Fabric She Wanted, Felt She Got

Cake From The Store, Layer She Wanted, Lay Her I Did

Truck She Wanted, Rammed She Got

Tire She Wanted, Rimmed She Got

Basketball She Wanted, Hooped She Got

Sea Cat She Wanted, Wet Pussy She Got

Sprite She Wanted, 7-Up She Got

Flag She Wanted, Jolly Roger She Got

Ford She Wanted, Probe She Got

Semi Aquatic Persperating Mammal She Wanted, A Sweaty Beaver She Got

Black And Decker, My Bosch She Got

Some Assistance She Wanted, Aids She Got

Pirate Ship, Jolly Rogered She Got

 

Old King Cole

(There are (obscene) actions for each person the king calls. Keep adding the people and actions.)

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,

and a merry old soul was he,

He called for his wife in the middle of the night…

And he called for his fiddlers three.

Now every fiddler had a very fine fiddle,

And a very fine fiddle had he,

Fiddle dee diddle dee diddle dee, said the fiddlers,

What merry merry men are we,

There’s none so fair as can compare,

With Penguins R.F.C.

chorus

And he called for his tailors three.

Now every tailor had a very fine needle,

And a very fine needle had he,

Stick it in and out, in and out, said the tailors,

Fiddle dee diddle dee diddle dee, said the fiddlers,

What merry merry men are we,

There’s none so fair as can compare,

With the Penguins R.F.C.

The jugglers had two very fine balls

Throw your balls in the air

The butchers had choppers

Put it on the block, chop it off.

The barmaids had candles

Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out.

The cyclists had pedals

Round and round, round and round

The flutists had flutes

Root diddly-oot-diddly-oot.

The painters had brushes

Wop it up and down, up and down.

The horsemen had saddles

Ride it up and down, up and down.

The carpenters had hammers

Bang away, bang away, bang away.

The surgeons had knives

Cut it round the knob, make it throb.

The fishermen had rods

Mine is six feet long.

The huntsmen had horns

Wake up in the morn with a horn.

The coalmen had sacks

Want it in the front or the back?

 

Cats On The Rooftops

The donkey is a solitary bloke,

He very seldom gets a poke;

But when he does, he lets it soak,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

Cats on the roof tops, cats on the tiles,

Cats with syphilis, cats with piles,

Cats with their arseholes wreathed in smiles

As they revel in the joys of copulation.

The hippopotamus so it seems,

Very seldom has wet dreams;

But when he does it comes in streams,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

chorus

Poor old bovine, poor old bull,

Very seldom gets a pull;

But when he does, the cow is full,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

Poor little tortoise in his shell,

Doesn’t manage very well;

But when he does he fucks like hell,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

Now the hairy old gorilla is a sedentary ape,

Who very seldom does much rape;

But when he does he comes like tape,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

When you wake up in the morning feeling full of joy,

But your wife isn’t willing and your daughter’s all coy;

You use the arsehole of your second oldest boy,

As you revel in the joys of copulation.

When you wake in the morning with a ten inch stand,

And there isn’t any woman in the whole damned land;

There’s nothing else to do but to take it in your hand,

As you revel in the joys of masturbation.

When you wake in the morning with your penis in your hand,

And you have a funny feeling in your seminary gland;

If you can’t get a woman, try a clean old man,

As you revel in the joys of copulation.

Now I met a young girl who was a dear,

But she gave me a dose of gonorrhoea;

Fools rush in where angels fear

To revel in the joys of copulation.

The poor domestic doggie, on the chain all day.

Never gets a chance to let himself go play.

So he licks at his dick — in a frantic way,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The dainty little skylark sings a very pretty song,

He has a ponderous penis fully forty cubits long,

Hear his high crescendo when his mate’s on the prong,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The whale is a mammal, as everybody knows,

Takes two days to have a shag and when he’s in the throws,

He doesn’t stop to take it out he piddles through his nose,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The lady by the seaside was feeling very blue,

Saw the children at it, and thought she’d like it too,

So she bought three bananas and ate the other two,

As she reveled in the joys of copulation.

In Egypt’s sunny clime, the crocodile,

Gets a flip only once in a while,

But when he does — it floods the Nile,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The poor old rhinoceros, so it appears,

Never gets a grind in a thousand years,

But when he does — he makes up for arrears,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

Little Mary Johnson will be seventeen next July,

Never been a naughty, but thought she’d like to try,

She took daddy’s walking stick and did it on the sly,

And she reveled in the joys of copulation.

The Sergeant Major leads a miserable life,

He can’t afford a mistress, and he doesn’t have a wife,

So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental Fife,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The ostrich in the desert is a solitary chick,

Without the opportunity to dip its wick,

But when he does — it slips in thick,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The ape is small and rather slow,

Erect he stands just a foot or so,

So when he comes — it’s time to go,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The elephant’s prick is big and round,

A small one scales a thousand pounds,

Two together — rock the ground,

As they revel in the joys of copulation.

The camel likes to have his fun,

His night is made when he is done,

He always gets two humps for one,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The oyster is a paragon of purity,

And you can’t tell a he from a she,

But he can tell — and so can she,

As they revel in the joys of copulation.

The wild boar in the mud all day,

Thinks of the sows that are far, far away,

And the corkscrew motion of half a day,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

Now a funny old fish is the old sperm whale,

With a funny little diddle tucked under his tail,

And he rides his missus in the teeth of a gale,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

The owls in the trees and cats on the tiles,

One fucks in solitude, the other fucks in piles,

You can hear their delighted shrieks for miles,

As they revels in the joys of copulation.

Poor old Mr. Bengelstein, whose morals we all doubt,

He wanders round with his noodle hanging out,

When he sees a wench, it hits him in the snout,

As he revels in the joys of copulation.

Long-legged curates grind like goats,

Pale faced spinsters shag like shoats,

And the whole damn world stands by and gloats,

As they revels in the joys of copulation.

 

What We Learnt At The School

She said where does it hurt?

I said here.

Dis is mein top-noggin

Ya mama here.

Top-noggin

Ya mit damoule (turn in circle with drink on head)

That’s what we learnt at the school.

She said where does it hurt?

I said here.

Dis is mein head-butt-er

Ya mama here.

Head-butt-er

Top-noggin

Ya mit damoule

That’s what we learnt at the school.

pig-finders (eyes)

snatch-smeller (nose)

cup cleaner (moustache)

thigh rubbers (cheeks)

clit tickler (tongue)

chin chomper (chin)

boob blockers (chest)

beer basket (belly)

chin slappers (balls)

mother-fucker (penis)

(Point to each body part as you say it and everybody turns around on “Ya mit damoule”. A leader does the intro for each body part and everyone sings the words marked in bold.)

 

How the Money Rolls In

My father makes book on the corner,

My mother makes synthetic gin;

My sister sells love for a living

My God, how the money rolls in

Rolls in, rolls in

My God, how the money rolls in, rolls in.

Rolls in, rolls in

My God, how the money rolls in.

My mother’s a bawdy-house keeper

Each night when the action begins,

She hangs a red light in the doorway,

chorus

My cousin’s a Harley Street surgeon,

With instruments long, short and slim.

He only does one operation,

My brother’s a slum missionary,

He saves fallen women from sin.

He’ll save you a blonde for a five dollars.

My auntie she rolls prophylactics.

She punctures the ends with a pin.

My uncle does all the abortions,

My brother lies over the ocean,

My sister lies over the sea.

My father lies over my mother,

And that’s how they got little me.

My one skin lies over my two skin,

My two skin lies over my three.

My three skin lies over my four skin,

So pull back my foreskin for me.

Pull back, pull back,

Oh, pull back my foreskin for me, for me.

Pull back, Pull back,

Oh, pull back my foreskin for me.

 

Alouetta

Alouetta, the bigger the cunt the betta

Alouetta, she’s the girl for me

Does she have the kinky hair…

Yes she has the kinky hair,

Kinky hair…

Kinky hair,

chorus

Does she the sloped forehead…

Yes she has the sloped forehead,

Sloped forehead..

Sloped forehead…

Kinky hair…

Kinky hair,

Furry brow…

Cross-eyed eyes…

Broken nose…

Blowjob lips…

Cum stained teeth…

Double chin. . .

Deep, deep throat…

Saggy tits…

Beer belly…

Curly bush…

Wide, wide cunt…

Great big ass…

Thunder thighs…

Rug burned knees…

Pigeon toes…

Now isn’t she a very nice girl?

With the…

This song should be sung to a member of the fairer sex. Each body part is pointed to.

Masturbation

(Sung to the tune of Alouetta)

Masturbation, I love masturbation,

Masturbation, I love to masturbate.

How I like to choke my chicken,

Yes, he likes to choke his chicken,

Choke my chicken,

Choke his chicken,

Masturbate,

Masturbate,

chorus

How I like to spank my monkey,

Yes he likes to spank his monkey,

Spank my monkey,

Spank his monkey,

Choke my chicken,

Choke his chicken,

Masturbate,

Masturbate,

Lope my mule

Rub my nub

Whip my lizard

Swat my twat

Tease the beaver

Flog my log

Stroke my snatch

Tap my gap

Beat my meat

Pull my pony

Yank my chain

Use three fingers

Moan and jerk

 

Fornication

Fornication, I love fornication,

Fornication, I love to fornicate.

How I like to be on top,

Yes, we like to be on top

Be on top,

Be on top,

Fornicate,

Fornicate,

chorus

Do it standing up

Hide the salami

Drive it deep

Bark like a dog

Bump and grind

Pump and hump

Grind her mound

Give jungle love

Do it in the dirt

 

The Days of the Week

Today is Monday,

Today is Monday,

Monday’s a finger day,

Monday’s a finger day,

Are we all happy,

You bet your ass we are,

Da-da-da-da, da, da,(8)

Da-da-da-da, da, da,

Today is Tuesday,

Today is Tuesday,

Tuesday’s a ah-ah(9) day,

Tuesday’s a ah-ah day,

chorus

Wednesday…

Wanking day…

Thursday…

Drinking day…

Friday…

Fucking day…

Saturday…

Rugby day…

Sunday…

Day of rest… (sung quietly)

 

Sexual Life of the Camel

The sexual life of the camel,

Is stranger than anyone thinks,

At the height of the mating season,

It tries to bugger the Sphinx.

But the Sphinx’s posterior orifice,

Is blocked by the sands of the Nile,

Which accounts for the hump on the camel,

And Sphinx’s inscrutable smile.

Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, titty-bum.

Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, aye.

Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, titty-bum.

Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, aye.

The sexual life of the ostrich,

Is hard to understand,

At the height of the mating season,

It buries its head in the sand.

And if another ostrich finds it,

Standing there with its ass in the air,

Does it have the urge to grind,

Or doesn’t it bloody-well care?

chorus

The sexual life of a bullfrog

Is understood by some,

At the height of the mating season

He crawls up the arse of his chum.

But this vile orifice is horrible

And filled with foul gases and slime,

Which accounts for his croak

And why he says “ugh” all the time.

In the process of civilization,

From anthropoid ape down to man,

It is generally held that the navy,

Has buggered whatever it can.

Yet recent extensive researches,

By Darwin and Huxley and Hall,

Have conclusively proven that the hedgehog,

Cannot be buggered at all.

We therefore believe our conclusion,

Is incontrovertibly shown

That comparative safety on shipboard,

Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone,

Why haven’t they done it a Spithead,

As they have at Harvard and Yale,

And also at Oxford and Cambridge,

By shaving the spines off the tail?

So cum all you ruggers,

And to the occasion rise,

Grab yourself a hedgehog,

And give a real surprise,

The following instructions,

Will ensure that you do not fail,

Simply ream out its ass with a hose pipe,

And shave the spines off his tail.

My name is Cecil,

I cum from Lester Square,

I go all around the place,

With flowers in my hair,

For we’re all queers together,

That’s why we go around in pairs,

For we’re all queers together,

Now excuse us while we go upstares.

I went for a ride on the subway,

And found I had to stand,

A little boy offered me his seat,

So I grabbed it with my hand,

For we’re all queers together,

That’s why we go around in pairs,

For we’re all queers together,

Now excuse us while we go upstairs.

It was Christmas Eve in the harem

The eunuchs all standing there,

A hundred dusky maidens,

Combing their pubic hair.

When along came Father Christmas,

Striding down the marble halls,

When he asked what they wanted for Christmas,

The eunuchs all answered, “Balls!”

Oh, the old men were having a birthday,

Standing at the bar,

Thinking about the old times,

Thinking back so far.

When along came a dusky maiden,

By Christ, she was so fair,

When she asked what they’d like for their birthday,

The old men all shouted, “Hair!”

 

The Twelve Days of Rugby

(To the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Obscene actions go with each verse.)

On the first day of rugby,

My true love gave to me,

A hand job that wasn’t worth fuck.

On the second day of rugby,

My true love gave to me,

Two shit house doors,

And a hand job that wasn’t worth a fuck.

Three French whores…

Four calling girls…

Five golden showers…

Six sixty-niners…

Seven sleazy sisters…

Eight aching assholes…

Nine knawed-off nipples..

Ten tons of titties…

Eleven leaping lesbians

Twelve twats a-twitching…

 

I Met a Whore in the Park

(Sung to the tune When Johnny Comes Marching Home.)

I met a whore in the park one day

ya ho, ya ho

I met a whore in the park one day

ya ho, ya ho

I met a whore in the park one day

She said hey rugger, you wanna lay

Get in, Get out, quit fuckin’ about

ya ho, ya ho, ya ho.

I put my hand upon her toe

ya ho, ya ho

I put my hand upon her toe

ya ho, ya ho

I put my hand upon her toe,

She said hey rugger you’re way to low.

chorus

I put my hand upon her knee…

She said hey rugger you’re kiddin’ me

… her ear…

… not even near

… chin,,,

… stick it in!

… nose,,,

… gimme that hose!

… mouth,,,

… start headin’ south!

I put my dick into her mouth…

She said mmm, mhmh, mhmhm!

… tit…

… now you’re getting it!

… breast…

… I want a rest!

… thigh…

… you’re gettin me high!

… twat…

… you hit the spot

Now she lies in a wooden box…

From havin’ too many rugger’s cocks

Now she’s dead but not forgotten…

We’ll dig her up and fuck her rotten

Yogi Bear

Again those fellows at Letchworth Rugby Club performing Yogi Bear

I know a bear that you all know,

Yogi, Yogi,

I know a bear that you all know,

Yogi, Yogi Bear,

Yogi, Yogi Bear,

Yogi, Yogi Bear,

I know a bear that you all know,

Yogi, Yogi Bear.

Yogi’s got a little friend,

Booboo, Booboo,

Yogi’s got a little friend,

Booboo, Booboo Bear,

Booboo, Booboo Bear,

Booboo, Booboo Bear,

Yogi’s got a little friend,

Booboo, Booboo Bear.

Yogi’s got a girlfriend,

Suzi, Suzi Bear,

Yogi has another friend,

Cindy, Cindy Bear

Yogi’s got an enemy, Ranger

Ranger, Ranger Smith

Yogi’s got a cheesy knob, cammum,

Camem, Camembert

Suzi likes it on the fridge, polar,

Polar, Polar bear.

Booboo likes it up the ass, brown,

Brown, Brown bear.

Yogi’s dick is long and green, cucum,

Cucum, cucumber.

Suzi doesn’t to shave her pubes, grizzly,

Grizzly, grizzly bear.

Cindy wears crotchless undies,

Teddy, teddy bear

Cindy likes it up the rear,

Dirty, dirty bear

Suzi Bear has no teeth,

Gummi, Gummi bear

Cindy she has great big tits,

More than, More than (I can bear)

Suzi gets four bits an hour,

Jingle, jingle bear

Cindy’s tampon has no string,

Cotton, cotton bear

Boo-Boo likes it upside down,

Koala, Koala Bear

Suzi does it with a Kennedy,

Teddy, Teddy Bear

Yogi got a case of crabs,

Itchy, itchy bear

Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool,

Wanker, wanker bear

Yogi also likes young boys,

Poofter, poofter bear

Cindi has a girlfriend,

Klondike, Klondike bear

Yogi likes to roll his own,

Smoky, Smoky bear

Yogi didn’t use a condom,

Daddy, daddy Bear

Yogi uses condoms,

Clever, clever bear

Boo-Boo pokes holes in them,

Naughty, naughty bear

Cindy gets what she deserves,

Pregnant, pregnant bear

Yogi has suspected AIDS,

Goodbye, goodbye bear

 

Abortion

Abortion, Abortion,

A B O R T I O N

Abortion, Abortion,

A B O R T I O N

Meat cleaver, coat hanger, or a long pole,

The thing that works best is a can of Drano.

ABORTION

Well you get that poker nice and hot,

Then you shove it way up in her twat.

SCROTUM…

It’s baggy and it’s scraggly and it’s covered with hair,

But what would you do if it wasn’t there.

NOSE JOB…

It’s better than a blowjob ’cause she doesn’t cough,

My baby loves it best when she sniffs me off.

TITTIES

Well their just a part of the epiderm,

But I like ‘em best when they’re big and firm.

TIT FUCK…

Northside, southside, eastside, or west,

My baby loves it best when I come on her chest.

DRY HUMP…

Northside, southside, eastside, or west,

My baby loves it best when I come on her dress.

MUFFDIVE

She wraps her legs around your face,

You lick and slobber all over the place.

SMEGMA

It’s white and cheesy, and it smells like taint,

But if you eat too much, you’re liable to faint.

SODOMY

You put the sheep’s legs inside your boots,

So it can’t change it’s mind when you shoot.

BLOWJOB…

Northside, westside, eastside, or south,

My baby loves it best when I come in her mouth.

SWALLOW

She’ll swallow it all and she’ll swallow it well,

She’ll swallow it all ’cause she ain’t on the pill.

HANDJOB

You wrap your hand around your gland,

You slap it around ’til it just won’t stand.

SICK DICK…

All she wanted was a little kiss,

But I ended up giving her syphilis.

JAR FUCK…

It’s warm and it’s juicy and it’ll even quiver,

When you can’t find a girl, use a jar of chopped liver.

POOP PACK…

It’s round and it’s brown and it’s covered with goop,

My baby loves it best when I pack her poop.

BUTT FUCK…

It’s brown and it’s round and it’s full of gas,

My baby loves it best when I fuck her in the ass.

EYE FUCK…

Right eye, left eye, it’s all the same,

My baby loves it best when I come on her brain.

ARMPIT FUCK…

Right arm, left arm, but never her cunt,

My baby doesn’t use deodorant.

MOM FUCK…

I took my baby to the senior prom,

I couldn’t fuck her so I fucked her mom.

RED LIPS…

Life can be such a drag,

When you’re eating out your girl and she’s on the rag.

BABY FUCK…

First you lay the baby on the bed,

Then you fuck the soft spot on its head.

DIRTBAG

They may be fat and they may be thin,

But oh they ‘re all beauty queens when you get it in.

ASSHOLE (name)

He’s a hell of a rugger and a hell of a singer,

But when he tries to fuck a woman she asks for his finger.

 

Bagpipe Song

( Sung to the tune of Scotland the Brave.)

Here’s to the lassie with the black hairy assey

Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the jockey with his upstanding cocky

Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey

Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the Yankee wanking in his hanky

Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky

Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey

Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the queerie leering through his beery

At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky

Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky

Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey

Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the Harlot making money in the carlot

To support the queerie leering through his beery

At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky

Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky

Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey

Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the rugger posing as a flasher

Hustling the Harlot making money in the car lot

To support the queerie leering through his beery

At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky

Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky

Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey

Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the Wenchy going down on a benchy

Making money for the rugger posing as a flasher

Hustling the Harlot making money in the car lot

To support the queerie leering through his beery

At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky

Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky

Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey

Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Now the moral of this ditty is that when in Cold Lake

And you’re with a girlie chasing hairs short and curly

Remember to take her hashing and give her a bashing

Keep her from the Wenchy going down on a benchy

Making money for the rugger posing as a flasher

Hustling the Harlot making money in the car lot

To support the queerie leering through his beery

At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky

Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky

Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey

Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

 

Bestiality’s Best

(Sung to the tune of Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys.)

Bestiality’s best, boys,

Bestiality’s best – SHAG A WALLABY!

Bestiality’s best, boys,

Bestiality’s best.

Put your log up a dog, boys

Put your log up a dog,

Don’t you like a dog, boys

Put your log up a dog.

chorus

Stick your lug in a slug, boys…

Aren’t you hot for a slug, boys…

Slip your slew to a ewe, boys…

Don’t you dream of a ewe, boys…

Get turned on by a duck, boys…

Doesn’t that make you go quack, boys…

Tickle the clit of a gnat, boys…

Isn’t that just where it’s at, boys…

Rough love with a horse, boys…

You gotta use force with a horse, boys…

Any which way with a jay…

Anyway you can with a pelican…

Be a queer with a deer…

Be a rotter with an otter…

Be pleasant to a pheasant…

Bring a flea to his knees…

Chuck your sperm in a worm…

Cunnilingo with a dingo…

Do an illegal with an eagle…

Do it funky with a monkey…

Down the throat of a goat…

Drink the pee of a bee…

Drip your juice on a moose…

Drip your yeast on a wildebeest…

Drop some goo in a shrew…

Ejaculate in a snake…

Fool with the tool of a mule…

Get a suck from a duck…

Get in deep with a sheep…

Get it out for a trout…

Get the pox off a fox…

Get under the tail of a snail…

Get your release in a fleece…

Give a half to a giraffe…

Give a lickin’ to a chicken…

Give some cock to a croc…

Give your gerbil some verbal…

Give your milk to an elk…

Go a rounder with a flounder…

Go and defile a crocodile…

Go the whole way with a moray…

Grind your mound on a hound…

Have a chimp with an imp…

Have a cracker with a quacker…

Have a deer from the rear…

Have a filler with a gorilla…

Have a frig with a pig…

Have a fuck with a duck…

Have a hug with a bug…

Have a lark with an aardvark…

Have a rape with an ape…

Have a shag with a stag…

Have a squirm with a worm…

Have intercourse with a horse…

In a heap with a sheep…

In the Bahamas with some llamas…

In the bog with a dog…

In the dark with a shark…

In the ear of a deer…

In the esophagus of an octapus…

In the lake with a drake…

In the sack with yak…

Jam your cam in a ram…

Make a llama a mama…

Make a moose real loose…

Make an eel squeal…

Make it limp in a chimp…

Make it twirl in a squirrel…

Make it wonky with a donkey…

Make love with a dove…

Make some porn with a unicorn…

Mate a ‘gator then fellate her…

Move your tool in a mule…

On a honeymoon with a raccoon…

On a train with a crane…

On the lawn with a prawn…

On top of the easel with a weasel…

Part the hair of a mare…

Put it in the mid of a squid…

Put it through a gnu…

Put your brillo next to an armadillo…

Make a dock in a peacock…

Put your load in a toad…

Put your noodle to a poodle…

Put your spear in a deer…

Put your sperm in a worm…

Put your thang in an orangoutang…

Rub the thigh of a fly…

Rub your beaver on a retriever…

Rub your box on a fox…

Rub your clitorus on a hippopotamus…

Rub your clitty on a kitty…

Rub your cunt on an elephunt…

Shoot your spunk into a skunk…

Shove your willy up a filly…

Sixty-nine with a swine…

Skull fuck a duck…

Stick you rod up a cod…

Stick your cock in a hawk…

Stick your dork in a stork…

Stick your log in a frog…

Stick your needle in a beetle…

Up the ass of a bass…

Up the back of a yak…

Up the box of a fox…

Up the fanny of a nanny…

Up the flue of a shrew…

Up the hole of a mole…

Up the spout of a trout…

Up the tail of a whale…

Blow your rocks in an ox…

 

Boy Meets Girl

(Sung to the tune of Only Women Bleed.)

Boy meets girl, holds her hand,

Visions of a promised land,

Tender words, cling and kiss,

Crafty feel, heavenly bliss,

Nibble nipples, squeeze those thighs,

Gets a beat, feels a rise,

Eyes ablaze, drawers down,

Really starts to go to town,

Legs outspread, virgin lass,

Fanny foams like bottled Bass,

Ram it home, moans of joy,

Teenage love, girl meets boy,

Love’s a jewel, pearls he’s won,

Shoots his load, what’s he done,

Comes the payoff, here’s the rub,

He’s got her in the puffing club,

Comes the wedding, bridesmaids flap,

Love and cherish, all that crap,

A tubby tum, weighty gain,

Prams and nappies, labour pain,

Begins to realize, what he did,

Nagging wife and screaming kid,

Sweats his ass off, works his stint;

Only pleasure is evening time,

Can’t forsake those sexy habits,

Breeding kids like bloody rabbits.

 

Dickie Dina

What colour was it? (spoken)

There was one white one, one black one,

And one with a little shight on,

And one with a little light on to show us the way.

And the hairs, and the hairs,

And the hairs of her dickie-dina

Hung down to her knees.

She married an Italian with balls like a bloody stallion

As the hairs of her dickie-dina

Hung down to her knees.

chorus

She divorced the Italian, and married the stallion

It’d take a brontosaurus to eat her clitoris

It’d take a Welsh miner to find her vagina

It’d take a bloody wrecker to extract your pecker

It’s like going through a forest, to find her clitoris

Her love thought he’d seduced her, but turned out he’d only goosed her.

On her first trip through Melbourne, she strangled her firstborn

She lives on a cattle ranch, and shits like a bloody avalanche

If she were my daughter, I’d have her cut much shorter

On a trip through Vladivostock, she sampled a bit of horsecock

She sits on a mountain, and pisses like a bloody fountain

I flicked it, I licked it, I even drop kicked it

I fucked her, I sucked her, I even loose rucked her

I’ve smelt it and felt it, it feels like a piece of velvet

I touched it, I poked it, I even rolled and smoked it

It takes a Penguin rugger, to get down and fuck her

Do Your Balls Hang Low?

Do your balls hang low?

Do they swing to and fro?

Can you tie ‘em in a knot?

Can you tie ‘em in a bow?

Can you throw ‘em o’er your shoulder,

Can you pluck a merry tune

When your balls hang low.

Ting-a-ling, God damn,

Find a woman if you can.

If you can’t find a woman,

Find a clean old man.

If you’re ever in Gibraltar,

Take a flying fuck at Walter.

Can you do the double shuffle,

When your balls hang low?

Do your balls hang low?

Do they swing to and fro?

Can you tie ‘em in a knot?

Can you tie ‘em in a bow?

Do they make a lusty clamor,

When you hit them with a hammer?

When you ball hang low.

chorus

Can you bounce ‘em off the wall,

Like an Indian rubber ball?

Do they have a hollow sound,

When you drag ‘em on the ground?

Do they have a mellow tingle,

When you hit ‘em with a shingle?

Do they have a salty taste,

When you wrap ‘em ’round your waist?

Do they chime like a gong,

When you pull upon your dong?

 

Drink

(Sung to the tune of Sing!)

Drink,

Drink a beer,

Belch out loud,

Belch out clear,

Drink of good times, we run,

Drink of plenty, not one…..

Drink,

Drink the brew,

Down it quickly, this beer we give to you,

Don’t worry that it’s not good enough,

For anyone else to down,

Just drink,

Drink the beer…..

Burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, etc…….

 

Is it in Yet?

I tore off my pants, I was ready to burst

I had to stick it in,

She was big and I was small,

But size doesn’t make a man.

I pushed in and out, thought I’d make her shout

I knew I’d make her cum

And that’s when I heard those hurtful words

Is it in yet?

Is it in yet?

I was feeling low from that awful blow

But I would try again

I rubbed it all day, and I hoped and prayed

That it would grow some more.

I looked at my dick, this time it would do the trick,

I mounted her and stuck it in

And again I heard those hurtful words

chorus

My penis is short

As short as this song

And that’s why she asks

 

Lulu

(Sing to the tune of Good Night Ladies.)

Gang, Bang, Lulu,

Lulu’s gone away,

Who we gonna’ gang bang now

When Lulu’s gone away.

Some girls work in factories,

Some girls work in stores,

But Lulu works in a honky tonk

With forty other……….

chorus

Lulu had a baby,

It was an awful shock

She couldn’t call it Lulu,

‘Cause the bastard had a ………

I took her to the pictures,

We sat down in the stalls,

And every time the lights went out,

She’d grab me by the ………..

Lulu and I went fishing,

In a dainty punt,

And every time she caught a sprat,

She’d stuff up her……..

I wish I were the silver ring,

On Lulu’s dainty hand

Then every time she scratches her arse,

I’d see the promised ………

I wish I were the chamber pot,

Under Lulu’s bed,

Then every time she took a piss,

I’d see her maiden ……….

Lulu had two boy-friends,

Both were very rich

One was the son of a banker,

The other a son-of-a……

Lulu had a boy-friend,

His name was Tommy Tucker,

He took her down the alley,

To see if he could ……

Lulu had a boy-friend,

A funny little chap

Every time they had a bit,

She got a dose of the…

Lulu was a pretty girl,

She had a lot of class,

Mini-skirts she’d wear a lot,

To let her show her…….

Lulu had a boy-friend,

He was very fit,

Working all day on the farm,

His job was shoveling……

Lulu and a boy-friend,

A stunted little runt,

One day they went to have a bit,

And he vanished up her…..

Lulu had a little lamb,

She kept it in a bucket,

Every time the lamb jumped out,

The bulldog used to……

Lulu and I went walking,

We walked along the grass,

She slipped on a banana peel,

And fell down on her…..

Lulu made some porridge,

It was very thick,

Lulu wouldn’t eat it,

But she’d smear it on my……

Lulu had a bicycle,

The seat was very blunt,

Every time she jumps on it

It sticks her in her…..

Lulu had a bicycle,

The seat was very sharp,

Every time she sat on it

It would slip right up her….

Lulu had a boyfriend,

His name was Diamond Dick,

She never saw his diamond,

But she always saw his….

Lulu had a boyfriend,

His name was Michael Hunt,

She like him above the rest,

Because he’d eat her…

Lulu met a fisherman,

Fishing for some bass,

Instead of catching fish that day,

He got a piece of…

Lulu met a scrum half,

Sat down in his lap,

Lulu got the scrum half,

The scrum half got the…

Lulu had a turtle,

And Lulu had a duck.

She put them in the bathtub,

To see if they would…

Lulu had a vanity chair,

It was made of glass,

Every time she sat on it,

You could see her…

Lulu had a boyfriend,

His name was Billy Batch,

But Lulu had to break it off,

When it got stuck in her….

A rich girl has a bra,

A poor girl uses string,

But Lulu uses neither,

She lets the buggers…

A rich girl has a ring of gold,

A poor girl one of brass,

The only ring that Lulu has,

Is the one around her…

A rich girl uses Vaseline,

A poor girl uses lard,

Lulu uses axle grease,

Because her cunt’s so…

A rich girl uses Kotex,

A poor girl a sheet,

Lulu uses nothing at all,

It dribbles in the…

Lulu had a job,

But then she had to quit,

‘Cause every time she turned around,

The boss would grab her…

Lulu met the Penguins,

She liked the way they played,

The Penguins liked Lulu,

They liked the way she…

 

North Atlantic Squadron

When we arrived in Montreal,

She spread her legs from wall to wall.

She took the Captain balls and all,

In the North Atlantic Squadron

.

Away, away with fife and drum,

Here we come, full of rum.

Looking for women to paddle their bum,

In the North Atlantic Squadron.

A-sailing up and down the coast,

Now, here’s the thing we love the most:

To fuck the women and drink a toast

In the North Atlantic Squadron.

chorus

Well, off the coast of Labrador,

We took on board a floating whore,

We fucked here forty times or more,

In the North Atlantic Squadron.

A-sailing up to Newfoundland,

Each sailor had his prick in his hand.

Oh say, my boys, can you make it stand?

In the North Atlantic Squadron.

And when our ship went to drydock,

The whores around us all did flock.

It’s every man unfurl his cock,

In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The ship’s dogs his name was Rover,

The whole crew did him over,

We ground and ground that faithful hound,

From Singapore to Dover.

The Captain’s wife her name was Mabel,

WheNever she was able,

She gave the crew their daily screw,

Upon the galley table.

The Captain’s wife was baptized Charlotte,

She was born and bred a harlot

Her legs at night were lily-white,

But in the morning they were scarlet

The cabin boy his name was Kipper,

A cunning little nipper.

He lined his ass with broken glass,

And circumcised the skipper.

And the ladies of the nation,

Arose in indignation,

They stuffed their bums with chewing gum,

A smart retaliation.

The First Mate his name was Hopper,

By Christ he had a whopper.

Twice round his neck once round the deck,

And up his ass for a stopper.

The Second Mate his name was Carter,

By God be was a farter.

If the wind wouldn’t blow, and the ship wouldn’t go

Carter he could start her.

The Third Mate his name was Wiggun,

By God he had a big ‘un.

We bashed that cock upon the rocks,

For cumming in the riggin’.

The Fourth Mate his name was Morgan,

A homosexual Gorgon.

A dozen crows, in a row,

Could pose upon his organ.

The Fifth Mate his name was Slater,

He was a masturbator.

He’d pump and pump his massive stump,

And clean the mess up later.

The Sixth Mate his name was Andy,

By God that man was randy.

We boiled his bum in red-hot rum,

For cumming in the brandy.

The Seventh Mate his name was Lester,

He was a hymen tester.

Through hymen thick, he’d shove his prick,

And leave it there to fester.

The cook, whose name was Freeman,

He was a dirty demon,

He served the crew with menstrual stew,

And foreskins fried in semen.

Another cook his name was O’Malley,

He didn’t dilly-dally.

He shot his bolt with a hell of a jolt,

And whitewashed half the galley.

Another cook his name was Herbert,

A gastronomical pervert.

He puts it in through thick and thin,

And whacks off in the sherbet.

Then there was the Navigator,

He was a fornicator.

The horny sod he took a broad,

And after he fucked her, her ate her.

The Captain of this lugger,

By Christ he is a bugger.

He isn’t fit to shovel shit

From one ship to another.

The Captain’s randy daughter,

She fell into the water.

Delighted squeals revealed that eels,

Had found her sexual quarters.

‘Twas on the China Station,

To roars of approbation.

We sunk a Junk with a load of spunk

By mutual masturbation.

The Captain was elated,

The crew investigated.

They found some sand in his prostate gland,

And he had to be castrated.

‘Twas in the Adriatic,

Where the water’s almost static.

The rise and fall of ass and ball,

Was almost automatic.

The ship’s cat’s name was Smitty,

And though its ass was mighty shitty.

But shit or not, it had a twat,

The Captain showed no pity.

The crew they were all whiney,

They’d drink up all their winey.

From bed to bed, they looked for head,

But settled for some hiney.

So now we end this serial,

Through sheer lack of material.

We wish you scum freedom from,

All diseases venereal.

 

The S & M Man

The S&M man,

The S&M man,

The S&M man because he mixes it with love,

And makes the hurtin’ feel good.

The hurtin’ feel good.

Who can take a hammer,

Shove it up her twat,

Move it back and forth,

Til he finds her G-spot,

chorus

Who can take a hammer,

Wave it overhead,

And slam it on his pecker,

Til he wishes he were dead?

… a bicycle,

Rip off the seat,

Put his sister on it,

And push her down a bumpy street?

… some sandpaper,

Gotta be 50 grit,

Rub it back and forth,

Til she has a bleeding clit?

… an old wood saw,

Rusty, but still cuts,

Saw it back and forth,

Til he cuts off both his nuts?

… his pecker,

Slam it in a door,

Slam it back and forth,

Til he can’t pee anymore?

… a chainsaw,

Rev it up on high,

Shove it up her arse,

Just to hear her scream and sigh?

… a razor,

And no shaving cream,

Scrape her pussy bald,

While he listens to her scream?

… a sander,

Make sure it’s Black and Decker,

Rub it up and down,

Until you’ve got a bleeding pecker?

… a mallet,

Claim that he’s a stud,

Smash it on his pecker,

Till it starts to ooze blood?

… a young girl,

Turn the lights down low,

Flip on the video camera,

And make like he’s Rob Lowe?

… machinery,

To masturbate at work,

Rip off his left testis,

And pretend it didn’t hurt?

… some fiberglass,

Wrap it round his pud,

Shove it up her arse,

Til she’s shitting chunks of blood?

… a light bulb,

Shove it up her ass,

Fuck her up the rear,

Til she’s shitting chunks of glass?

… just two bricks,

Take one in each hand,

Bang them on his balls,

Like the cymbals in the band?

… wears pants with zippers,

And no underwear,

Then pulls them up and down,

And rips out his pubic hair?

… their scrotum,

Stick it with a pin,

Hang on a bunch of weights,

Till it drags down to your shins?

… a chainsaw,

Cut the bitch in two,

Fuck the bottom half,

And toss the other half to you?

… their penis,

Feed it to a whore,

Then slam it in a door,

So you can’t fuck no more?

… a condom,

Put pepper in the ring,

Use it on the wife,

‘Cause she twitches when it stings?

… their penis,

Tie it in a knot,

Tighter yet tighter,

Until the fucker rots?

… two ice picks,

Stick them in her ears,

And ride her like a Harley,

While he fucks her up the rear?

… some jumper cables,

Hook them to her tits,

Start up the car,

And electrocute the bitch?

… his kiddies,

Out to a picnic binge,

Put them on the fire,

And watch the fuckers singe?

… put a kid’s hand,

In a socket on the wall?

It’s nice when they jerk,

Up against his balls?

… give children candy,

Takes them round the block,

And rips up their innards,

With the ramming of his cock?

… a chainsaw,

Stick it up her hole,

Turn it round & round,

And make tuna casserole?

… some clothes pegs,

Hang his girlfriend by her nipples,

Leave the bitch just hanging,

Til her tits are nearly tripled?

… a Doberman,

Let him do a show,

Let him fuck his girlfriend,

While making a video?

… a hair curler,

Turn it up on high,

Stick it in her cunt,

And listen to her fry?

… some newlyweds,

Sneak into their room,

Fuck the bride in bed,

And sodomize the groom?

… a glass rod,

Shove it up his prick,

Put it on the table,

And smash it with a brick?

… a baby,

Throw it on a pile,

And fuck it up the ass,

Sish-ka-boby style?

… the Pope,

Lean him over the pew,

Fuck him up the ass,

‘Till he admits he was a Jew?

… a vagina,

Suck out all the yeast,

Spit it into some dough,

And serve bread at the feast?

… a puppy,

Hold it by the ears,

Fuck it in the ass,

Until it sheds those puppy tears?

… a vice clamp.

Clamp it on a tit

Squeeze the sucker down

Till it pops just like a zit?

… a transvestite

Rip out one of his eyes

Skull fuck the bastard

While he listens to the cries?

… a Coke bottle

Shove it up her ass

Kidney punch the bitch

Until she’s shitting blood and glass

… a cheese grater

Strap it to his arm

Fist fuck the bitch

And make vaginal Parmesan?

… a baby,

Lay it on a bed,

Turn the bugger over,

Fuck the soft spot in its head?

… a pregnant lady,

Fuck her til she’s dead,

Leave his dick inside her,

While the fetus gives him head?

Who can go to the abortion clinic,

Sneak around the back,

Root around the dumpster,

And find a tasty snack?

… a little girl,

Before she’s on the rag,

Fuck her till she’s dead,

And then toss her in a bag?

… their scrotum,

Stick it with a pin,

Hang on a bunch of weights,

Till it drags down to their shins?

 

When the End of the Month Rolls Around

You can tell by the stain that she’s in a lot of pain

When the end of the month rolls around.

You can tell by her stance she’s got cotton in her pants

When the end of the month rolls around.

For it’s hi, hi, ho, in the tampon factory,

Shout out your sizes loud and strong:

Junior, Regular, Super-Duper, Bale of Hay!

For whereever you will go, you always know

When the end of the month rolls around.

You can tell by her walk that you’ll sit around and talk…

You can tell by the blotch that she’s got a leaky crotch…

chorus

You can tell by her eyes there is blood between her thighs…

You can tell by her pout that her eggs are falling out…

You can tell by her stance that she’s bleeding in her pants…

You can tell that it itches by the way she always bitches…

You can bet it ain’t sweat when her underwear is wet…

You can tell by the stink that she isn’t in the pink…

Will You Marry Me

(Group reply sung in high nasal voice to simulate women.)

If I give you half a crown,

Can I take your knickers down,

Will you marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,

Will you marry me?

If you give me half a crown,

You can’t take my knickers down,

You can’t marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,

You can’t marry me.

If I give you fish and chips,

Will you let me squeeze your tits,

If I gargle with Lavoris,

Can I suck on your clitoris,

If I give you half a note,

Can I shove it down your throat,

If I give you a pound of grass,

Can I shove it up your ass,

If I give you half a quid,

Will you suck on my big squid,

If I give you a whole crown,

Will you blow me till you drown,

If I give you silk and lace,

Can I spray it in your face,

If I give you a big chest,

And all the money I possess,

If you give me a big chest,

And all the money you possess,

I will marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,

I will marry you.

Get out of the door, you lousy whore,

My money was all you were looking for,

I’ll not marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,

I’ll not marry you.

 

Roll Me Over in the Clover

Well, this is number one,

And the fun has just begun,

Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Roll me over in the clover,

Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Well, this is number two,

And my hand is on her shoe

Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

chorus

Well, this is number three,

And my hand is on her knee…

Well, this is number four,

And we’re grinding on the floor…

Well, this is number five,

And I’m ready for a muff dive…

Well, this is number six,

And she said she liked my tricks…

Well, this is number seven,

And we’re in fucking heaven…

Well, this is number eight,

And the nurse is at the gate…

Well, this is number nine,

And the twins are doing fine…

Well, this is number ten,

And we’re at it once again…

Well, this is number eleven,

And we start again from seven…

Well, this is number twelve,

And she said “You can fuck yourself”…

Well, this is number twenty,

And she said that was plenty…

Well, this is number thirty,

And she said that was dirty…

Well, this is number forty,

And she said “Now that was naughty”…

 

Rodriguez, the Mexican Pervert

Eii-yii-yii-yii

Rodriguez, the Mexican pervert,

He’ll eat out your mother

and cornhole your brother

and waltz you around by your willie

I once was the King of Siam

Who for women just didn’t give a damn

But my pride and my joy

Was a round bottomed boy

They say I’m a bugger and I am!

chorus

There once was a rugger McNally

Who called on his team for a rally

For each try that we score

I’ll eat out a whore

Chose Mary or Susie or Sally.

There once were three nuns from Birmingham

And this is the story concerning them

They lifted the frock

And they diddled the cock

Of the Bishop as he was confirming them.

But the bishop was nobodies fool

He’d been to a large public school

He dropped his britches

And he diddled those bitches

With a twelve inch Episcopal tool

There once was a Bishop from Birmingham

Who buggered 3 maids while confirming them

While praying to God

He excited his rod

And pumped his Episcopal sperm in them

There once a man from Boston

Who drove a bright red Austin

There was room for his ass

And a gallon of gas

But his balls hung out and he lost ‘em

There once was a girl named Alice

Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus

They found her vagina in North Carolina

And parts of her tits in Dallas

There once was a man from Kent

Whose dick was so long that it bent

To save him the trouble

He stuck it in double

So instead of coming, he went

There once was a man from Nantucket

Whose cock was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin

As he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it.

There once was a girl from Anheiser

Who claimed that no man could surprise her

But Pabst by chance

Found a Schlitz in her pants

And now she’s sadder but wiser

I once knew a fellow named Urchin

Who was constantly jerkin his gerkin

His mother said Urchin

Quit jerkin your gerkin

Some day you’ll need it for ferkin.

There once was a maid from Pneumo

Who in sexual feeling was low

She bought a dill pickle

Her pussy to tickle

She now has a kosher dildo.

There once was a man from Devises

Whose balls were of two different sizes

One was so small

It was nothing at all

But the other was big and won prizes.

There once was a man named Dave

Who kept a dead whore in a cave

She was shriveled and shrunk

And God how she stunk

But think of the money he saved.

Down in the city of booze

The Irish the Dutch and the Jews

Would all congregate

Round the old brewery gate

To discuss their political views

They’d lie on their barrels and snooze

And dream of their women and booze

Ten gallons per man

Was the alcohol span

Down in the city of Booze

There once was a man named Rock

Who played the string bass with his cock

He played such legato

And also spicatto

That he broke all the straps to his jock.

There once was a man from Sydney

Who could put it up to her kidneys

But a man from Quebec

Could put it up to her neck

Oh, but he had a big one, didn’t he?

There once was a man from Rangoon

Who was born nine months too soon

He didn’t have the luck

To be born by a fuck

For he was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.

There once was a man from Eilling

Who pounded his meat with great feeling

Then like a trout

He’d stick his mouth out

And wait for the drops from the ceiling.

There once was a man named Schwartz

Whose dick was all covered with warts

But the girls didn’t care

About the warts that were there

‘Cause Schwartz used to cum in quarts

There once was a girl from Decatur

Who was laid by a big alligator

But nobody knew

The result of that screw

For after he laid her he ate her.

There once was a lady from Cape Cod

Who thought all babies came from God

But it wasn’t the almighty

Who laid it inside her

It was Roger the Dodger by God.

 

A Few Of My Favourite Things

(Sung to the tune of A Few of My Favourite Things.)

Harriers:

Middle and Pinky and Index and Ring,

Throw in the thumb and you’ve got the whole thing,

It works just fine and it’s also quite safe,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the dawn breaks,

When I wake up,

And it’s feeling hard,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And that’s when it feels so good.

Penthouse and Playboy and something called Forum,

They’re what I use to help start something going,

Centerfolds spread-eagled showing me pink,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When I’m lonely,

Really lonely,

By myself again,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And that’s when it feels so good.

Harriettes:

Dildos and vibrators and vaseline jelly,

That’s what I use to set fires in my belly,

In and out up and down making me wet,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Men are useless,

I don’t need them,

I’m the best I’ve had,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And that’s when it feels so good.

Tight buns, silk undies, and erotic books,

Make me excited I’m starting to cook,

I stir me up and the honey will come,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When I’m thinking,

Of a hard cock,

But I don’t see one,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And that’s when it feels so good.

 

Nick-Nack Paddy-Wack

(Sung to the tune of This Old Man.)

This old man, he fucked one,

Don’t you know he had so much fun…

With a nick-nack paddy-wack

He fucked his dog alone.

Fucked his dog and made him moan.

This old man, he fucked two,

A baby rabbit and a kangaroo…

This old man, he fucked three,

Put up mirrors so he could see…

This old man, he fucked four,

Three wasn’t enough so he bought a whore…

This old man, he fucked five,

Two were dead and three alive…

This old man, he fucked six,

Had his sister turning tricks…

This old man, he fucked seven,

The youngest one was just eleven…

This old man, he fucked eight,

One sucked him raw and it felt great…

This old man, he fucked nine,

God this orgy is just divine…

This old man, he fucked ten,

All he could say was, “Do it again”…

This old man, he fucked eleven,

Died of V.D. and went to heaven…

With a nick-nack paddy-wack,

Now his dog’s alone,

No one left to make him moan.

 

Gang Bang

I love a gang bang, Oh yes I do,

‘Cause a gang bang makes me feel so good.

When I was younger, and in my prime,

I use to gang bang all the ti-i-ime.

But now I’m older, and turning gray,

I only gang bang twice a da-a-ay.

Knock-knock

Who’s there?

Ida

Ida, who

Ida want another gang bang

Ranger,

Arranger for best entry at the gang bang

Oliver,

All of her clothes were off at the gang bang

Peter Meter,

My peter’ll meet her a the gang bang

Ben

Ben-d over and have another gang bang

Dolly Parton

Dolly’s partin’ her thighs at the gang bang

Turner

Turn ‘er over, let’s have another gang bang

Bob

Bob down and let’s have another gang bang

Yurin

Yurin for sloppy seconds at the gang bang

Sam and Janet,

Sam and Janet evening we’ll have a gang bang

Tiajuana

Tiajuana bring your mother to the gang bang

Kissinger

Kissinger great, but fuckin her’s better at the…

Betty

Bet he’ll have a sore dick after the…

Orange

Aren’t you glad your at the gang bang?…

Aspen

I spend too much time at the …

Europa

You rope her to the bed post for the…

Alexander

I licks under her ass at the…

Irish

I wish we were at the gang bang….

Virginia

Virgins are welcome at the gang bang…

Shelby

She’ll be sore after the gang bang…

Anita

I need a little rest before the…

Dairy

Dare we invite_____to the gang bang?….

Mountain grown

Mount and groan, mount and groan at…

Police

PPPPPlease take me to the gang bang…

Charlotte

Sure lot of fucking at the gang bang….

Platypus

Plenty O puss at the gang bang…

Howard

How were the tits at the…..

Martha

More the merrier at the gang bang…

Theodore

The O door was locked at the gang bang…

Extinct

It stinked like fish at the gang bang…

Maybell

Maybe she’ll do us all the gang bang…

Chester

Chests’ll be everywhere at the…

Ilene

I leaned her over the couch at the…

Sharon

Share and share alike at the gang bang…

Heada

Had a lot of sex at the gang bang….

Bender

Bend her over the counter at the..

Mason Dixon

My son’s dick’s in the girl at…

Shirley

Surely you got laid at the gang bang….

Ima

I’m a glad we had this gang bang……

Eisenhower

I’s an hour late for the gang bang

Witchy

Whichy one you gona fuck at the…

Gladiator

Glad he ate her out before the gang bang…

Adolph

I ate off the bed at the gang bang..

Dixie

My dicks erect at the gang bang…

Satellite

Sat alot on her face at the…

Eaton

She’ll be “;eat’n”; everybody at the…

Kenya

Can ya give me directions to the..

Pasteur

Passed her over me twice at the…

Abbott

I bet you won’t be alone at the…

Comrade

Come right on over to the gang bang….

Mikey

I lost my keys to the handcuffs at the gang bang…

M.R.

M.R. some nice tits…

Banana

Banana na na na na na….

Orange

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana na na…

Charlie Pryde

Charlie pried her legs apart at the…

Lena

Lena up against the door and we’ll…

 

Rugby Men

Rugby men, they play one, they all take it up the bum,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play two, they can’t get it up for you,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play three, they like to kiss us where we wee,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play four, they like to take it up the back-trap-door,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play five, they can’t keep a girl alive,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play six, little men with little dicks,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play seven, they can’t take their women to heaven,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play eight, all they do is masturbate,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play nine, all they do is moan and whine,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!

Rugby men, they play ten, little boys who think they’re men,

With a nick nack paddy whack give the boy a bone,

Rugby men have sex alone!